(Caution, this post is not my “usual style” nor is it my customary way of presenting material, but it is a very real look at what’s going on behind the scenes with this one blog-writer. Enter at your own risk and…enjoy!!)

Seriously, I’ve had it with life’s problems lately. I’m up to my arse in alligators and nothing seems to be going the way that I want it to go or even the way that I’ve imagined that it would go.

There seems to be nothing in life that’s bringing me any sense of real peace…except for meditation. And THAT is why I’m going to break one of the “standards” that I’ve held myself up to regarding what I post on this site, which is to keep my private life out of my posts.

I’m going to do something that I hope and pray I won’t regret, I’m going to get “personal” here and share in a way that I haven’t shared before. How’s that? I’m going to get real… more over-the-top than I usually am.

In the recent months, I’ve watched my financial world collapse (who hasn’t?!) and my book-project stall to a crawl. I’ve had recurring insomnia just like back in the “good old days,” when I could go two-three months with only a few hours of sleep each night. I’ve been awakened in the middle of the night with the haunting fear that my entire life is going to crumble if my writing career doesn’t take off and if I have to take on a full-time job in nursing again.

I’ve been applying for part-time nursing jobs but it seems that the healthcare crisis has created a climate of hiring new graduates over seasoned nurses because…you can pay them less! For the first time in 30 years…yah, 30 years!! I’ve applied for nursing positions and haven’t been hired. WTF???

These days, I’ve found my mind on the edge of…whatever edge one finds one’s mind when one’s life is in turmoil. My sleep is messed up, my mind drifts to my problems, and – contrary to all of the advice that I’ve given myself (and you!!) – I lose my perspective! I start to wallow in the self-pity that comes with an untrained mind. When I’m supposed to be writing blog-posts, I’m searching through the job announcements on craigslist or career-builder. When I’m supposed to be working on a draft of an 8-week class that I’m putting together, I’m jumping on my bicycle to just get out of the house! And when I’m supposed to be practicing meditation in the morning, I’m practicing…distraction about finances! Again, WTF?!?!

I have a good friend who, on rare occasions when I was complaining about some thing or another, used to say to me (in an ever so caring way), “Shut the *$@% up and get on with it!” I can’t help but wonder what Fariba would say to me now if she knew what was going on in my life, probably the same thing.

I’m starting to adopt the same attitude that Fariba had except that for me it’s more of, “Shut the %*@$ up and meditate!” I mean, really, do you really think that your neurotic, fearful, habitual thoughts care whether you’re happy or not? Of course not. In fact, it’s our neurotic, fearful….absolutely USELESS thoughts that keep us stuck in our patterns of self-pity and despair. Do you think that your grasping at old, worn-out, fearful thinking will ever help you get past that very way of thinking? Of course not. In fact, it seems to have a life of its own, a life based on your suffering. So, what do you do about it? Shut up and meditate!

Let’s face it folks, the only way that we ever find out how well we fly is to take the leap, and the only way that we learn how stable our meditation practice is, is when everything goes to shit! Yah, that’s right. Sitting on a cushion, or meditating in the solace of a quiet evening doesn’t cut it, we’ve got to get down to the bone to find out how stable our meditation practice is. And, I can’t even complain because there are many people, billions of them, on this planet who have things a lot worse than I do. (I think that can be spun into a compassion practice but that’s not where I’m going right now)

So, how’s my mind doing through all of this? Well, the craziest thing about all of this is that even when I’m awakened at 2:00am by fears of failure, I’m able to engage my mind in meditation practice if I just….right, shut up and meditate. And, when I do that I find that my meditation has become more stable and that my mind has become less distracted. Does that make sense?

How does this work? How do you manage to stick with your meditation practice when you’d rather be..at the bar! Or, at the gym! Or…in a coma!!?!? Good question…what do you think? Let me know. Am I full of crap? Let me know. Do you need something else? Let me know.

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For more information on how to meditate, please see the Related Posts below. Also, don’t forget to download the free ebook, Can Meditation Change the Way that You View Your World?, for help with getting started in you meditation practice, and download the ebook, How to Work with the Four Distractions to Meditation to learn how to deal with some of the obstacles to meditation.

ALSO, visit the Media, page where you can find articles, MP3 tracks for downloading, and videos on the subject of meditation.

As always, please feel free to share your comments. And, as always, please feel free to contact me if you’d like to see additional content or other discussions on this site.